Harper's Bazaar

Because Harper's Bazaar write out of love for complete strangers (and only a little bit out of need to sell space to advertisers and shift endless products), I thought I'd see whether I'm heading for success by their standards — in their article called "10 things every fashionable woman should have by 30."

1. A Classic Shoe:
I bought these (pictured below) when I was 19. Five years ago I wore them to paint the ceiling of a pub because they were my 'old ones' but, still now, I wear them most days. If that doesn't make them a classic, I don't know what does.

1 point

2. A Great Suit:
I do not own a suit. I am not going to court. And when I did, I didn't wear a suit.

0 points

3. A Signature Flower:
We're only on number three and I'm already remembering why I don't read this stuff. I don't have one.

0 points

4. A Beautiful Timepiece:
The most recent watch I owned was one I wore in secondary school before getting a Nokia 3310. This is annoying because I want to be a fashionable woman according to Harper's Bazaar.

0 points

5. A Go-to Lip Color:
If it wasn't for the fact that it makes your lips feel dry, comes off through the night, and ends up on other people, I'd probably like lipstick. But as it stands I can't wear it.

0 points

6. A Personal Scent:
Like 8 million-billion other people in the world I always wear CK One so not sure I can call that signature, but pretty sure my family know when I'm back home when the smell of peanut butter porridge fills the kitchen in the mornings. Just trying to decide whether I should get a point for that.

1 point

7. Jewelry You Never Take Off:
This goes against health and safety and is a hazard. What about when you're swimming? Sleeping? Unclogging the drain? Jumping out the first floor window of a pub to avoid paying your rent? Bad advice Harper's.

0 points

8. Original Art:
Yes! Thanks to Heavenly Recordings and an amazing leaving present - it is, no question, the coolest thing I own.

1 point

9. A Forever Bag:
I have massive contention with made up adjectives like 'forever' to describe a bag. Not answering in defiant rebellion. Slightly regretting that it means I'm going to miss a point. Rebellion is a nightmare thing.

0 points

10. A Killer Winter Coat:
These adjectives are no longer distressing, I got over it stabbingly quick. "A neutral hued topper in a luxe fabrication will take you miles and years," is how Harper's describe the coat you must have before thirty — a weird but cool way to describe my puffa jacket! Bought it 2009 and wear it every year.

1 point

Here is said puffa, multi-tasking as a shelter for grass, while I stroke a dog i don't know.

There seems to be 11 items in the 10 things you must own list. I don't mind this casual restructuring of our numeric system though, because I'm in need of some more points here.

11. A Little Black Dress:
Wahoo I own four perfect 'LBD's. They are mandatory for when you get dumped and want to go out for a Chinese yet still look chic.

1 point

Conclusion:
Despite not fulfilling half of Harper's Bazaar's fashion success criteria, I feel like I'm going to hit thirty very happy and not in any great need to find myself a signature flower. But then perhaps nothing on the arbitrary list matters and they are chatting absolute bullshit. Just a thought.

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