How To Survive Summer

The following advice will make sure absolutely nothing goes wrong for you over the summer. If you read this and something does go wrong then I take that back though.

When packing hand luggage you will need to put everything that is the consistency of ketchup or runnier into containers less than 100 ml. This is in case you are using it to make a bomb. I'm still not sure how you would do that but I can tell you that a flight attendant's patience runs out just before the 4th question regarding how one might make conditioner dangerous.

P.S. You're allowed one lighter on you. And a box of matches as long as they are safety matches. (And I'm like all matches are safe until you light a bomb with it.)

My personal sun cream applicator / child labour.

Sun cream:
Unless you're into wrinkled leathery skin as found on the beaches of popular Spanish resorts (wassup, Majorca) then you ought to wear sun cream. I particularly like Boots' own brand Soltan — the rocket shape of the bottle, the satisfying click of the lid, and the star themed grading system to indicate the level of UV protection you will be getting from the sun's rays are why Soltan is my no. 1.

Drinking water counteracts the effects of the sun's heat and says F (fuck) U (you) to dehydration. If you want to be economical about it, fill an old bottle with tap water and carry it around with you. Be careful if you use a bottle that used to contain Volvic Touch of Fruit though. You may find sips tainted with the remnants of fake sucrose which, while subtle, can be quite shocking.

Buses in London during summer: hahahahahaaaa.

Here is a template text message I send to friends when they get back from holiday.

"Please send me an x/y graph to sum up ur holiday in advance of our meeting up tomorrow. No more than 8 items in 'x', pls, and ratings out of TEN for each activity."

Ten is capitalised to indicate the amount of detail I want because I was once sent 'out of 100' data by a friend who had a warped idea of how much I cared.

I'm going to end with a picture:

Anna and Hannah on our Camping Trip, 2013.

See also How To Send A Postcard and Summer Wear.

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