How To Use Twitter

Being viral sounds like a bad thing, but 'going' viral is a good thing. So, if you would like your tweets to go viral, here's a neatly categorized article detailing how.

Retweets

Get lots of retweets. You can do this simply by writing a very funny tweet, posting it at some random (but perfect) time, and then, by chance, getting a few high-profile people to retweet it before thousands of others jump on the band-wagon. It really is as simple as that.

Once they're retweeting it - 'they' being everyone! - you're good to go and you're going to be Twitter famous. (Make sure your self-esteem is directly related to how many retweets you get because I think this comes across well.) Talking of fame...

Celebrities

Take some tips from celebrities (celebs) and their Twitter accounts. Some have as many as 'millions' of followers and this is how many you're going to get when you've finished reading this blog post.

For example, you could be as popular as Taylor Swift by selling millions of albums with mediocre pop on, then sharing pictures of your cat. Or as popular as Adele by only tweeting a handful of times and having a good voice. I actually think a lot of people ought to go for Adele's tactic.

Hashtags

When you're tweeting use a hashtag, or two, or more. You can put them before words, before punctuation, next to each other - anywhere. Just use them to make your tweets look viral.

Hashtag usage should be seamless to be effective.

Punctuation

Punctuation is good because then you can let people know when to take a pause while reading your tweet. And you want people to be really relaxed, so use a lot of punctuation. A good general rule is: read the tweet, think "have I got enough punctuation?" and then double the amount, whatever the answer.

Selfies

Selfies are narcissistic; they invariably stem from insecurity; and are occasionally funny. It is for the first two reasons that I love to post them. You should do lots of selfies for any of the above 3 reasons because: 1) people love when you post selfies (this isn't a joke) 2) you can't tell the difference between actual likes and pity likes which is fun

And remember, it is your right (82nd amendment?) to translate all likes as an actual approval of your personality, heart, and mind.

Here's an example of two selfies I tweeted in two consecutive years, which I found by searching my name + 'selfie'. I rated the first one so that others (couldn't) didn't have to.

Screen shots

Use lots of screen shots. This is so I can look at your battery percentage and make wild judgements about your personality. I establish more about you this way than I ever would (or could) from 56 hours of recorded therapy sessions. (e.g. under 20% and it's not even the afternoon: you are reckless, probably didn't charge the night before, and we can't get married.)

Opinions

Have lots of opinions. It doesn't matter what they are just be sure to tweet them regularly. Personally I think opinions are even better than an inspirational quote, but then my other opinion is that most opinions are shit. So I guess I might have to delete this section because that's kind of confusing.

Disclaimer

Be wary if you follow the above advice. You might miss your privacy and the fame may go to your head. But you can ask some friends and family to ground you.

Finally: while you're in the ITV studios ready for your cameo on breakfast TV you will have to sign autographs and that can be exhausting, especially if you don't have a good pen (the best is Pilot V5 0.5).

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